The Doe Is a Lie

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It was another all-city garage sale weekend, so the Sisters of Death and I were out at it again on Saturday, filling the Minivan of Death with an amazing assortment of crap.

The overall quality of the sales was meh, especially compared to last week’s haul, and unlike last week, none of the people holding sales were drinking frozen watermelon margaritas with their neighbors at 10:00am.

One of our early stops was a sale where I honestly have no idea what happened. I believed, deep in my heart, that I bought a carton with one 32″ fiber optic tree (ONE! One tacky-ass tree! Ah ha ha), and also that I bought a lighted deer sculpture and got a second non-working one free. This was the sign accompanying them:

Papa Deer Needs Love (don't google it)

Papa Deer Needs Love (don’t google it)

So I thought the box the sign was taped to contained the doe, because of saying ‘lighted deer sculpture’ on the outside. The sad love-starved papa deer was in a heap next to the box. I did not look inside the box. This is mostly a lesson about looking in the box.

The cardboard carton for the fiber optic tree had a price sign (with no hint as to the emotional state of the tree) and I could see the front of a box through the top, so all good there.

Slightly Homicidal Tree

Slightly Homicidal Tree

I made a deal for the deer, the fiber optic tree (can’t resist the fiber optic, it’s so modern and glamorous!), and this kinda pretty gold metal tree, with a sharpened point hidden under that star.

That gold tree fell out of the back of the van the next time we opened it to add more crap, exposing the maiming spike, so we moved it into a seat, where it tried to kill one of the death-sisters by falling over on her. Our working theory is that it’s haunted.

So! The boxes. After I got home, I wanted to photograph/test everything before garaging it (see, I’m trying to be better about that!) but the way that went was, I opened the deer box and found…nine new boxes of clear Christmas lights. Huuuuh. So I guess those are for applying love to the Papa Deer, although 900 lights is way too many for one smallish deer? And there is no doe? Okay. Not really upset about this, as I can use the lights and I don’t even know how many damn deer I already have in the garage from this year’s garage sales. I also found a wireform sleigh this year, but probably 3/4 of my deer are in the feeding position, so it’s going to look like Santa picked all the lazy stoner deer if I hook them up to it.

So then I was curious about the fiber optic trees, and opened the carton. The carton of FOUR TREES. Four! Four tacky-ass trees! Ah ha ha. I have more fiber optic than 90s telecom advertising.*

Lawn styling by massive drought.

Lawn styling by massive drought.

I’ll note here that I also get to decorate my office building’s lobby and our department’s holiday breakfast, so I will actually be able to use four fiber optic trees for the betterment of mankind. Most likely, the Deluxe Special People-Person will be waving its happy candle in the middle of a fiber optic forest [wow that sounds like the beginning of a fanfic I don’t want to read].

In summary, I have no idea what happened at that sale. I have a lot of trees and maybe there’s a doe wondering why we drove off without it? Maybe there never was a doe and it was all a ruse to get rid of the light strings?

While the gold tree has not managed to kill or maim anyone I know, the same cannot be said for the 7.5′ artificial tree I bought for $5 at one of the other sales. That thing has tasted blood.

I also bought that tree in a closed box, mostly because I really don’t care about the condition of it – I want to build a Portal Tree for the lobby this year so I don’t need anything nice. Nice is probably my enemy here, but I was still pleased to find a decent tree in the box, and I set about assembling the bottom 2/3 on my front lawn. I propped it against a deck chair for support, and leaned down into the box to get a look at the stand. And then it came down on my head. You wouldn’t think that would hurt much, but it really did. Don’t take a Christmas tree to the head, kids. It’s not as cool as it looks. I’m available to film PSAs on this matter.

*When I think of 90s telecom advertising, I remember these AT&T ads, which were on some of the mst3k VHS tapes I played into the ground. I still sometimes find myself adding, “YOU WILL” to plans for future versions of things. Yes, I do eat lunch alone most of the time.

I heart other people’s stuff

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All-city garage sales are the best! Yesterday, I shopped with two of my friends who, now that I think about it, need blog-pseuds. For now, I will call them Sisters of Death because it amuses me, and they are sisters. Anyway! The Sisters of Death and I met up at 8:00am to go a-trolling. We loaded into the Minivan of Death and picked a neighborhood at random.

Here’s the back of the van at 10:00

10:00 haul

10:00 haul

Yes, there’s a disco ball back there, and a lot of Christmas and Halloween lights, and a mummy costume. The big doll is a Christmas animatronic, I think it’s the same kind as a Santa I picked up last year, in which case it will move its head and arms creepily while holding a proportionally-unwise lit candle.

Deluxe Special People animatronic

I don’t know why the text on the box is Deluxe Special People, as there is only one person inside, whose special deluxeness is somewhat debatable.

And that might have been the biggest sales-copy score of the day, except over in the lower right corner of the van there’s one of these:

Vintage Massage Pillow

Vintage Massage Pillow

It’s a massage pillow, and the box tells us that it can be enjoyed by Businessmen! Sportsmen! Salesmen! I’m guessing those are the three models men came in at the time this was marketed.

The instructions. This appears to be the deluxe version, which is good since I gave them $1.00 for it. I demand only the finest.

How to use your massage pillow

How to use your massage pillow

“A vigorous benefit that is pleasingly penetrating” Well then.

My goal is to use the pillow’s motor in a Halloween prop, the awesome box and instructions are a bonus.

We shopped hard, finally giving it all up for the sweet embrace of awesome burgers and sweet potato fries at 2:00. At the end of the day, the van looked like this:

Final haul

Notable additions are the FIVE NEW BLOWMOLDS I got at one sale.

Beco candlesticks

Beco candlesticks

Candles by Empire

Candles by Empire

I’ve never seen the Beco candlesticks before, and I’m not getting a lot of information about them from googling. The glitter letters will need to be touched up, but I feel that I am up to that challenge. The plugs are clearly original, so I’ll be taking a look at the wiring before I use them.

But who cares about candles when we have the Creepy Choirgirl of Doom? Seriously, people used to voluntarily have gangs of these on their lawns. Maybe they’re less threatening when they still have pupils? I do not understand.

Poloron choir girl

Poloron choir girl

She has been the victim of a bad attempted repaint, which is both unfortunate, because it looks like they tried to use house paint on her robe, and fortunate, in that I can only improve it, right? Not this year, though. I’ll put her out as-is this year. If she doesn’t kill me in my sleep first.

And that’s why All City Garage Sale Day is one of my favorite holidays.