The Doe Is a Lie


It was another all-city garage sale weekend, so the Sisters of Death and I were out at it again on Saturday, filling the Minivan of Death with an amazing assortment of crap.

The overall quality of the sales was meh, especially compared to last week’s haul, and unlike last week, none of the people holding sales were drinking frozen watermelon margaritas with their neighbors at 10:00am.

One of our early stops was a sale where I honestly have no idea what happened. I believed, deep in my heart, that I bought a carton with one 32″ fiber optic tree (ONE! One tacky-ass tree! Ah ha ha), and also that I bought a lighted deer sculpture and got a second non-working one free. This was the sign accompanying them:

Papa Deer Needs Love (don't google it)

Papa Deer Needs Love (don’t google it)

So I thought the box the sign was taped to contained the doe, because of saying ‘lighted deer sculpture’ on the outside. The sad love-starved papa deer was in a heap next to the box. I did not look inside the box. This is mostly a lesson about looking in the box.

The cardboard carton for the fiber optic tree had a price sign (with no hint as to the emotional state of the tree) and I could see the front of a box through the top, so all good there.

Slightly Homicidal Tree

Slightly Homicidal Tree

I made a deal for the deer, the fiber optic tree (can’t resist the fiber optic, it’s so modern and glamorous!), and this kinda pretty gold metal tree, with a sharpened point hidden under that star.

That gold tree fell out of the back of the van the next time we opened it to add more crap, exposing the maiming spike, so we moved it into a seat, where it tried to kill one of the death-sisters by falling over on her. Our working theory is that it’s haunted.

So! The boxes. After I got home, I wanted to photograph/test everything before garaging it (see, I’m trying to be better about that!) but the way that went was, I opened the deer box and found…nine new boxes of clear Christmas lights. Huuuuh. So I guess those are for applying love to the Papa Deer, although 900 lights is way too many for one smallish deer? And there is no doe? Okay. Not really upset about this, as I can use the lights and I don’t even know how many damn deer I already have in the garage from this year’s garage sales. I also found a wireform sleigh this year, but probably 3/4 of my deer are in the feeding position, so it’s going to look like Santa picked all the lazy stoner deer if I hook them up to it.

So then I was curious about the fiber optic trees, and opened the carton. The carton of FOUR TREES. Four! Four tacky-ass trees! Ah ha ha. I have more fiber optic than 90s telecom advertising.*

Lawn styling by massive drought.

Lawn styling by massive drought.

I’ll note here that I also get to decorate my office building’s lobby and our department’s holiday breakfast, so I will actually be able to use four fiber optic trees for the betterment of mankind. Most likely, the Deluxe Special People-Person will be waving its happy candle in the middle of a fiber optic forest [wow that sounds like the beginning of a fanfic I don’t want to read].

In summary, I have no idea what happened at that sale. I have a lot of trees and maybe there’s a doe wondering why we drove off without it? Maybe there never was a doe and it was all a ruse to get rid of the light strings?

While the gold tree has not managed to kill or maim anyone I know, the same cannot be said for the 7.5′ artificial tree I bought for $5 at one of the other sales. That thing has tasted blood.

I also bought that tree in a closed box, mostly because I really don’t care about the condition of it – I want to build a Portal Tree for the lobby this year so I don’t need anything nice. Nice is probably my enemy here, but I was still pleased to find a decent tree in the box, and I set about assembling the bottom 2/3 on my front lawn. I propped it against a deck chair for support, and leaned down into the box to get a look at the stand. And then it came down on my head. You wouldn’t think that would hurt much, but it really did. Don’t take a Christmas tree to the head, kids. It’s not as cool as it looks. I’m available to film PSAs on this matter.

*When I think of 90s telecom advertising, I remember these AT&T ads, which were on some of the mst3k VHS tapes I played into the ground. I still sometimes find myself adding, “YOU WILL” to plans for future versions of things. Yes, I do eat lunch alone most of the time.

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